You Deserve Love AND Respect

“Dueling Wills” and Self-Sabotage

Do you ever feel like you’re fighting with yourself? Is self-sabotage the real reason why you’re not where you want to be in life?

So there I was. Vegetables and fruit spread all over my kitchen table on a bright and sunny Saturday afternoon. I was chopping up a huge head of organic Kale, cucumbers, ginger, celery and more ingredients to add to my healthy fresh homemade green juice. It is full of vitamins and antioxidants that give me a major boost during the day.

Then I reached over and grabbed my bottle of vodka to take a shot.

As I grabbed the vodka bottle, I immediately recognized the ridiculousness of the scene. If someone else had been there they would have laughed. On one hand I’m working hard to make a drink that will keep me energetic, and with the other hand I’m drinking something that will make me want to go to sleep soon.

Do you ever feel like you’re fighting with yourself? That something within is inspiring you to do productive things while another is convincing you to do things that will sabotage your progress and motivation?

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The Will to Fail vs The Will to Succeed

Dorothea Brande wrote a book in the 1930s called Wake Up and Live. In it she discussed what she called “the will to fail.” She recognized that the reason many people don’t get to where they really want to be is that they ultimately submit to their will to fail. It’s that voice or compulsion within that causes you to make poor choices that sabotage your chances of success and progress.

Dueling Wills - Self-SabotageThe will to fail may also be why we women often choose the wrong types of men for dating and relationships. We know deep down that they are going to hurt us, but still go down that path, hoping for the best. And we often do it over and over and over again. That will to fail tells us that things will work out differently if we keep doing the same thing. But doing the same thing while expecting different results is the definition of INSANITY, as Albert Einstein told us.

If a good guy presents himself to us, and shows us how we ought to be treated, that self-sabotaging side may try to push him away. Because getting with a guy who will respect you, love you, make a good husband, and be a good father to your future kids would be too much like right.

Where Does the Will to Fail (Self-Sabotage) Come From?

Maybe the will to fail comes from a childhood experience that taught you that you aren’t worthy of happiness and success. Or maybe an abusive relationship that tore down your self-esteem. Maybe you had a “friend” who constantly belittled you and made you feel smaller so that she could feel bigger. Maybe the will to fail is something that is just ingrained in all of us from birth. I don’t really know.

At the same time, I do believe that the truest part of you, the one that knows your potential (the will to succeed), is still fighting on your behalf. She whispers the right answers to you in your quiet moments. She helps you get back on track when you’re off the rails. She may be embattled and worn out, but she’s still there and still fighting for you.

Love Lynn


Lynn Gilliard is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU. Her latest book You Matter encourages women to know and understand their worth.

Lynn Gilliard is the author of a popular relationship guide entitled Let Him Chase YOU. Her latest book Sing While You’re Single offers advice to women who want to remain single for the time being while still maintaining their belief in the power and possibility of love.

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